Following a learned discussion of the case of Webb v M’Feat (1878) SCR 669 while partaking in some light refreshment at a local Glasgow inn, and under the incorrigible influence of one Mr Malcolm Combe (who is truly to be blamed for encouraging the composition of the following ditty), the present author did deign to narrate the facts of the aforementioned case to the tune of the 1979 number 2 singles hit Cool for Cats by Squeeze. 

The Latin “culpa” is, of course, pronounced “cool-pah”. The below thus provides a singular example of a pune, or play-on-words. A more traditional comment on the case has been published in Green’s Reparation Bulletin. The present piece is rather more in the style of the ‘law lyrics’ related by David Murray, in his commentary on Lawyers’ Merriments.

What is contained here is certainly, as Murray put it, “the intentional humour of [a] lawyer, in adapting [his] professional pursuits to purposes of amusement” (at vi). Of course, as one considers the lyrics below, one may be minded to recall the more pointed observation of the late, great, Sir Terry Pratchett: “The strange thing about what lawyers have fun with is that no one else ever sees the joke” (Making Money).

Culpa Cat

Auld Webb he’s got a pigeon and he’s really fond of it;

M’Feat? He has the culpa cat; an awful little git

We’re out in finest Perthshire where this case has come to fame

Webb’s pigeon has been murdered and it’s not some silly game

With claw marks deep upon it, this poor bird has suffered pain

But whatever was what killed it got no corresponding gain

Who then could have done this thing? The answer seems quite plain

It’s culpa cat (culpa cat!)

The Sheriff hears the arguments; he’s really not impressed

Auld Webb says that M’Feat’s to blame; it seems to be a guess

The guilt of some rogue tabby is just not in any doubt

That M’Feat’s cat must answer though is tested all throughout

The Sheriff summons witnesses to tell about the crowd

‘Cos between both their houses is a feline colony

We need to find which cat’s to blame, but which one could it be?

It’s culpa cat (culpa cat!)

M’Feat’s cat is the culprit that is settled now and clear

But the story does not end right here, Webb has no cause for cheer

It’s fair that Webb should have a bird; they are domesticate

But a moggie is more of a pet, and quite legitimate

Cats need not be imprisoned but they must be let to roam

The killing was on neutral ground, a neighbour’s lovely lawn

Both cat and bird in trespass no fault was attributed

To culpa cat (culpa cat!)

The pursuer had a duty to take care of his own bird

Thus to M’Feat and Webb alike was legal fault incurred

In avian and quadruped seemed equal blame concurred

‘Cos cats are born killers and birds often fall their prey

But M’Feat was o’er stoic and displayed no sympathy

Put Webb to pains of proof and thus did waste much valued time

Yet in the end it was quite clear his cat had done the crime

His culpa cat (culpa cat!)