And finally… farm hand

A pensioner has been banned from every single farm in the UK after he inserted his fist into a cow’s rectum while performing a sex act.

John Curno, 80, was found guilty of outraging public decency following a spate of bovine molestations.

Uxbridge Magistrates Court heard that Curno was seen a number of times talking to a herd of 150 cows and masturbating in fields which belonged to Park Lodge Farm in Uxbridge.

After two sisters at nearby house saw him visit the cows a third time they called the police.

He was discovered on a nearby footpath, where he told police: “I’m not a violent person, I have a weakness with animals.”

Farmer’s wife Mrs Howie said: “It was 8.30pm and we were running a bit late with the milking.

“It was the same field as before, this time he had had his whole hand in the cow.

“He grabbed his trousers and boxers and he ran for the stile and he actually fell over the stile because his trousers fell down when he was trying to get over it.

“I was disgusted, we gave nobody permission to touch or interfere with our cows, it might seem funny to you but they are family they are not just cows.”

Judge Michael Akers, Chair of the Bench, adjourned sentencing and imposed bail conditions.

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